Last year, Tracy McCubbin – who has been a professional worker for two decades and lives by the motto “don’t put it down, keep it away” – married a man she described as “very messy”.
Both acknowledged the “cosmic joke” of their unlikely pairing. Mrs McCubbin put blue masking tape on every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen when the couple first moved in together, offering a map of what goes where. But she’s also learned to practice what she preaches to her clients, staying cool and calm about messes that don’t affect her day-to-day operations. Like his nightstand, which is buried under books, charging cables and remotes to televisions she’s pretty sure they no longer own.
Or the jumble of tools that her husband, an avid gardener, tends to leave in the yard. “It’s everywhere,” Mrs. McCubbin sighed. “But you know what? We have a beautiful garden. Our fruit trees bear fruit. It’s really about understanding: that part doesn’t matter.”
Ms. McCubbin, and other experts in organization as well as psychology, said there are some practical strategies that could help rats and voles coexist in relative harmony.
Improve your organization’s systems.
“Often, when a person is messier, the underlying position is that they’re doing it wrong, they’re doing it the wrong way, they’re bad,” Ms McCubbin said. But in many cases, household clutter is simply an indication that you don’t have solid systems in place.
Some of the solutions he offers clients are almost too obvious, he said. For example, he has worked with frustrated parents whose children throw backpacks and coats on what he calls a “runway” just inside the front door. It helps to hang some hooks that they can easily reach.
Ms. McCubbin also recommends adding enough shelves for a voracious reader’s books. (“The line in the sand is that they have to be on a shelf. They can’t be in stacks on the floor.”) At home, she put a plate on the front door so her husband didn’t “lose his mind for 10 or 15 minutes every day’ looking for his wallet and keys.
“It’s always important to explain that these systems are put in place to help,” he said, “not because ‘you’re wrong.’
Focus on functionality.
Ms McCubbin said it was very important to consider the practical consequences of clutter.
“The goal of the organization is to make your home work for you,” he said. “It’s not about rainbow shelves or making things look perfect, it’s about controlling clutter so you can cook in your kitchen and actually use your garage.”
Put most of your energy into common spaces, Ms. McCubbin advises her clients. For example, she and her husband like to cook, so the kitchen has to work well for both of them, she said. But she has an office and a bathroom she rarely sets foot in so she doesn’t have to see the mess. (A lot of people don’t have that much space, he acknowledged.)
Focusing on function can be especially helpful for parents who don’t want to fight with their kids over messy bedrooms. Antonia Colins, who runs the website Balance Through Simplicity, has two teenage daughters, one of whom struggles with tidiness. So Ms. Collins has set basic ground rules, she said. For example, she insists on clutter-free floors and a desk that’s clean enough to study. (She also expects her daughters to put their dirty laundry next to the washer and return any dishes or glasses to the kitchen.) But she looks the other way if the bed isn’t made perfectly or if there’s a pile of clean laundry in the corner.
Examine the deeper issues at play.
Sometimes clutter accumulates because someone isn’t willing to put in the effort to clean and organize. Other times, it’s because they have mental or physical obstacles, explained Michael A. Tompkins, psychologist and co-author of “Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding and Compulsive Acquiring.”
Perhaps the most obvious example is hoarding disorder, but there are other links between mental health and clutter. For example, those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or other executive function problems often struggle with excessive clutter. In these cases, patience and understanding can go a long way, he said.
Physical limitations can also be a factor. “I’m 73, so I can speak to that personally,” Dr. Tompkins said. “My ability to maintain my living environment has declined as my physical ability has declined, not because I still don’t care about keeping my living environment neat and organized.”
She said it’s important to note any sudden or drastic changes in a person’s household cleanliness (or if they seem to be hoarding unhealthy things) and bring them up to a primary care doctor, as they may indicate an underlying health problem.
If a person is simply unwilling to put up with clutter, that can also be cause for concern. There could be more fundamental relationship problems at play.
“It’s never just about the socks,” said Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “It’s really about poor communication skills, or other needs, or gender roles — or something much deeper.”
If one person in the household is particularly rigid about clutter, it may be more about control than cleanliness, she said, and it’s something that may need to be worked on in individual therapy. Couples therapy or simply working with an organizer can also help you better understand if you’ve reached an impasse, Ms. Jackson said.
Be strategic in how you talk about it.
While outside support can help, learning new communication tactics can sometimes be enough to defuse conflict, Ms. Jackson said. Don’t broach the subject of clutter when someone involved is hungry or tired, she said. And watch out for whining, which he characterized as repeating the same thing over and over again in the same way.
“Try a different avenue, try a different tone, try a different time of day,” Ms. Jackson urged, as if writing an email instead of fighting over clutter at the end of a long work week.
Be sure to express your expectations, Ms. Jackson said, and check back often, because regular check-ins can prevent resentment from building. She declined to offer a specific time frame for these conversations, as it varies from household to household, but encouraged anyone entering a new season in life (after a new baby or a job change, for example) to talk about household expectations.
“Even if it’s just a change in preferences,” he said, “that needs to be expressed.”
