Stephanie Lopez is irritating to her husband’s good qualities. He is a character, kindness and integrity, he said. She is a favorite father and treats her with respect.
But is her best friend?
“No!” said Mrs Lopez, who is 43 years old and lives on the big island of Hawaii.
“I don’t have sex with my friends,” he explained. “I don’t pay bills with my friends. And I guarantee you, if I did, it would change the whole dynamics of the relationship. ”
The belief that your partner should be your best friend appears everywhere, either on social media or in the greeting corridor of the card. It is not uncommon to look for a romantic partner who fulfills more than the role of the wife, the realist or the lover, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of Podcast “Reimagining Love”.
“We want someone who sees us and gets us,” said Dr. Solomon. “Well, this is the same thing we want in our friendships. We are really longing for the same sense of affinity and admiration.”
But is it absurd to wait for your bed to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of intimacy?
The ever -changing role of a spouse
Jennifer Santiago, 42 years old, and her husband are better friends.
The couple, who started dating to the Gymnasium, have been broken soon over the years, taking time to get to know themselves and what they want from life. But their underlying friendship brought them back every time, said Ms Santiago, who lives in Orlando.
“There was always an empty vacuum when we took a break,” he said. They realized: “Wow, we really do everything together!”
Historically, this is a relatively new approach to romantic relations, said Eli J. Finkel, a social psychologist and the author of “all or marriage that do not work: how the best marriages work”.
By the mid-1800s, marriage in the United States has mostly revolved around the assurance that the partners had their basic needs (such as food and shelter) encountered-what Dr. Finkel called “realistic era”. Between 1850 and 1965, marriage entered the “era based on love”-in which the primary relationships of relationships were about love and companionship, he said. Since then, we have been in the era of “self-expressive”-in which marriage is not only love but also personal development.
“Family relationship has taken on greater responsibility for our social and psychological needs,” Dr. Finkel said.
How to set realistic expectations
Is it a good or bad thing that many people now expect their romantic relationships to fulfill so many roles in their lives? In the end, it depends on whether your relationship can deliver, “said Dr. Finkel, who is also a co-firing of Podcast” Love Factally “.
He feels “happy” for the people who say they want their romantic partners to be their best friends as well. But he suggests that they consider: Are there any other expectations they can leave? For example, he said, it is a lot to expect your partner to be the co-chief of the household, to split child care, to be your exclusive sexual partner and Being your best friend.
“I don’t want it to sound like a mistreatment,” said Dr. Finkel. “I just want people to know that any additional expectation you are throwing at the top of your relationship comes with the opportunity for improved proximity – and comes with an additional risk that the relationship will bend under the weight of these expectations.”
Suggested that some of this pressure release. Can you support other friends for emotional support? Are you okay to be emotionally close to your partner, but not necessarily having the bitter close life together?
Dr. Solomon believes that friendship, especially the best friendship, is not necessary for long -term intimacy. But it doesn’t hurt either, he said.
Your partner – who he described as admiring them, finding them joke, taking care of their worldview and just having fun being together – can “pillow” the other relationship causes a couple who can face, he said.
But Dr. Solomon admitted that while she loves her 26 -year -old husband, she is not her best friend. “The name of my best friend is Ali, and he lives in Seattle,” he said. “He’s found at this point since we were 10 years old.”
Ultimately, maintaining a tight romantic bond can be reduced to the management of expectations and clearly discuss, said Adam Fisher, president of the division of the American Psychological Union for couple and family psychology.
Dr. Fisher had a mentor who described marriage and relationships as a better friendship plus sex. While he believes it is a “very viable” approach to a relationship, he said, he is not the only one at all.
“Couples need some kind of ‘glue’ – commitment, common values, sex, financially – something“He said, but he doesn’t have to be a friendship.
Ms Lopez leaves the Bedmate-A-Bff standard.
“I think we are setting so many expectations and responsibilities to our partners,” he said. “I’m not here to be everything and everything to you.”
