On “The Daily Show” this week, host Jon Stewart broke down as he announced the death of his beloved three-legged pit bull, Dipper — a raw, moving segment that demonstrated the deep grief many pet owners feel.
When an animal dies, owners lose companionship, affection and “just unconditional love — and we don’t find that in many places in our lives,” said Sherry Cormier, psychologist and author of “Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss”. and Grief.”
Our society tends to be “grief-phobic,” said Dr. deal with and move on quickly. Dr. Cormier and other weight loss experts said that’s not always true. and shared ways to help a loved one through the loss of a pet.
Validate the loss of the owner.
Losing pets can lead to disenfranchised grief, meaning it’s not validated or recognized by the wider world, said Michelle Crossley, an associate professor at Rhode Island College and vice president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. As a result, “many people end up grieving in isolation because of the fear of rejection from other people,” she said, adding, “They worry they won’t understand or minimize the loss.”
Keep it simple when expressing your sympathy, Dr. Cormier said. Suggest something like, “I know your animal was such an important part of your life and family. I can see how much he meant to you and how much you miss him already.”
Pet grief is often complicated by feelings of guilt if your friend or loved one chose to put an animal down to minimize pain, Dr. Cormier said. He did it with two golden retrievers, but noted that the conditions were quite different. One lived a long, happy life. the other had to be put down unexpectedly due to an aggressive brain tumor.
Resist the urge to say, “I know how you feel,” he warned, even if your intention is simply to express empathy. “Everyone’s grief is unique,” he added.
Ask how you can help honor the pet.
Rituals are an important part of the grieving process, Dr Crossley said, but are sometimes overlooked when an animal dies. Perhaps your friend would welcome a memorial, he suggested, or would like to create a keepsake box with photos and some of his pet’s favorite toys.
If your friend or loved one is experiencing anticipatory grief — that is, knowing a pet is getting old or likely to die soon — you can ask if you can help plan any “bucket list” activities they’d like to do with their pet . You could consider giving your friend a meaningful gift. For example, Dr. Crossley has seen people turn a pet’s water bowl into a planter. (He has a shelf where he keeps the ashes of the five dogs he’s lost, along with their photos and paw prints, he noted.)
Consider the physical component of losing your friend. “People report really intense physical longing, often comparing it to what they imagine is the loss of a limb,” said Judith Harbour, a veterinary social worker at Schwarzman Animal Medical Center in New York, who helps run support groups for the loss of pets. (which is another option for people experiencing acute grief after the death of a pet). There’s no easy fix for this longing, she said, but sometimes an object to hold or cuddle, like a blanket that belonged to the pet, can help.
Remember with your loved one.
The fact that people sometimes feel embarrassed to open up about how much they miss their pet can contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation, Dr. Cormier said. Simply encouraging them to share stories, photos or videos of their pet, if they want to, can help them feel less alone in their suffering, she said. And, if possible, listen more than you talk.
Be there for the long haul.
All experts noted the common misconception that pet-related grief doesn’t last as long as other types of grief. But it’s cyclical, Dr. Cormier said, and she urged people to check in with friends and loved ones not just days or weeks after a loss, but for months or even years after the event.
Don’t ask if your friend or loved one plans to get another pet, Ms. Harbor said. She lamented that almost everyone she had counseled after losing a pet had this question. Grieving takes time.
“Don’t forget them,” Ms Harbor said of grieving pet lovers. “Check in and give them time to discuss their pet with you. That really makes sense, because people often feel like the world is spinning and time is going by and no one remembers their pet.”
