During a recent dinner at a cozy bar in Upper Manhattan, I was confronted with an age-old question about gender norms. Over bowls of ramen and sips of gin cocktails, my date and I struck up a conversation: Who should pay for a date?
My date, a 27-year-old woman I matched with on Hinge, said that gender equality doesn’t mean that men and women should pay the same when going out. Women, she said, earn less than men in the workplace, spend more time getting ready for outings and pay more for reproductive care.
When the date was up, we split the bill. But our conversation was emblematic of a tension in modern dating. At work and on social media, where young people spend much of their personal time, they like to emphasize equality and equity. When it comes to romance and courtship, young people—especially women and men in heterosexual relationships—seem to follow the same dating rules their parents and older generations grew up learning.
Contemporary research, popular culture, and conversations I’ve had with more than a dozen young Americans suggest that a long-standing rule still holds: men tend to foot the bill more than women on dates. And there seems to be an expectation that it should.
The “Paying for the First Date” dance.
Some progressive defenders of the rule cite the persistent gender wage gap and the fact that women pay more for reproductive products and clothing than men and that they spend more time preparing for dates to conform to social norms.
Kala Lundahl lives in New York and works for a recruiting firm. She usually matches people for dates through apps like Hinge, with the total cost of the date, usually for drinks, coming in around $80. On the first date, Ms. Lundahl, 24, always offers to split the check, but she expects the man to pay — and she’s met with resistance when she offers to pay.
Ms. Lundahl said that if the date went well, they could continue to a second location, usually a cheaper place where she was more likely to pay. On a second date, she said, she would be more adamant about paying the entire check or splitting it. Ms. Lundahl’s reasoning comes from her belief that the person who asked – usually the man – should pay for the date, and that the person who earned more money – also usually the man – should cough up.
“Some guys have a bit of a hard time when I offer to pay,” Ms Ludall said. “You can tell they’re not comfortable with that idea.”
Scott Bowen, a 24-year-old accountant in Charlotte, NC, said he always paid for drinks, meals and coffee on dates. Typically, this works out to $70 to $100 per outing. The debate over who pays usually lasts a split second — from the time the waiter hands over the check to when Mr. Bowen walks over and says, “I’ll grab it,” he said.
When Mr. Bowen was growing up, his parents made it clear to him that he had to pay for a date when he took a woman out. She acknowledged that she wanted to see the status quo change to a more even split, but said she felt uncomfortable bringing up the issue at all during dating: Our conversation was one of the rare times she had talked about the issue with another face.
In LGBTQ relationships, who pays for a date has less to do with gender norms and more to do with the dynamics of that particular relationship.
Brendan Foley, a government employee in Washington, said that in his experience with men, the check was usually split. When one person paid, it was often the older man or the person perceived to be making more money. But talking about money on dates doesn’t bother him.
“I think there are more honest and simple conversations than dancing in straight relationships,” said Mr Foley, 24.
The persistent tradition of paying men
Shanhong Luo, a professor at Fayetteville State University, studies the factors behind attraction between romantic partners, including the rules that govern relationships. In a paper published in 2023 in Psychological Reports, a peer-reviewed journal, Dr. Luo and a team of researchers surveyed 552 heterosexual college students in Wilmington, NC, and asked them whether they expected men or women to pay for dates—and whether they, as a man or a woman, typically paid more.
The researchers found that young men paid for all or most of the dates about 90 percent of the time, while women paid only about 2 percent (they broke up about 8 percent of the time). In later dates, splitting the check was more common, although men still paid most of the time, while women rarely did. Almost 80 percent of men expected to pay on the first date, while just over half of women (55 percent) expected men to pay.
Surprisingly, views on gender norms didn’t make much of a difference: On average, both men and women in the sample expected the man to pay, whether they held more traditional views on gender roles or more progressive ones.
“The findings strongly indicated that the traditional pattern still exists,” Dr. Luo said.
The persistent tradition of men paying for women may seem like a harmless artifact. But in a relationship, such acts do not exist in a vacuum.
Psychologists distinguish between two forms of sexism: “hostile sexism,” defined by beliefs such as women are inferior to men, and “benevolent sexism,” defined by beliefs such as men’s duty to protect women. But the latter can give way to the former.
“The concept of chivalry is couched in very positive terms,” ​​said Campbell Leaper, a psychology professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “But over time, if people get stuck in those roles, that comes at a cost.”
In a 2016 study, Dr. Leaper and his co-author, Alexa Paynter, surveyed undergraduate students in California, asking them how they rated a range of traditional courtship gestures, including men paying for dates. Majorities of both young men and women said men should pay for dates, but for men, the link between this view and more hostile views toward women was particularly strong.
Dr Leaper, who has taught a gender development course for more than 30 years, said today’s students were more liberal on a range of issues related to gender identity, sexuality and the rules governing relationships. But his students often defend the principle that men pay for dates or say they hadn’t even considered how it ties into sexism.
“That’s kind of strange for them and something they haven’t really thought about before,” Dr. Leaper said.
Part of the reason the rule may stick with young people is that dating is inherently uncomfortable, Dr. Luo said. Even for young people who may have a firm commitment to financial independence—whether male or female—the pressure of an old rule can hit.
“No matter what you believe in, you’re going to do what the rule says you’re going to do,” Dr. Luo said.
Easier as relationships deepen
Kent Barnhill said he paid for about 80 percent of the dates he went on, usually with people he met on dating apps. Mr. Barnhill, 27, identifies as a feminist and is politically progressive, but said his upbringing in a wealthy, conservative South Florida household had shaped his practice of insisting on paying for dates, particularly early in the relationship.
“On the first date, I always find out in advance that I want to pay,” said Mr. Barnhill, a data analyst in the Washington, D.C., public school system. “The fact that I pay more doesn’t bother me.”
Zoe Miller, 23, on the other hand, grew up in a liberal household in Chapel Hill, N.C. An experience on a college date shaped her insistence on splitting the bill. While her date was in the restroom, a waiter walked by and asked Mrs. Miller how the two wanted to pay. He said he wanted to split the bill, so the waiter came back with two checks. When Mrs. Miller’s date returned, he was furious. He wanted to pay for the date.
Now, he said, “I absolutely refuse not to split the check.”
Ms Miller and Mr Barnhill began dating after meeting through a mutual friend. The couple recently enjoyed a meal at a fine Italian restaurant in Mount Vernon, Washington, and Mr. Barnhill had paid.
Mrs. Miller initially found it hard to swallow when Mr. Barnhill would pay the check in full. But a combination of a difference in income — she had fewer shifts at her job at a smoothie shop — and seeing the gesture as genuine rather than an expression of power encouraged her to the idea. Since that outing, they’ve been trying to split their dates, using the app Splitwise.
Once two people get past the initial, awkward courtship, navigating the difficulty of funding dating tends to be easier. When a person pays, male or female, they find joy, likening the act of paying to the gift.
Andrew Tuchler and Miranda Zhang are a married couple in Los Angeles who met in college. Going on expensive dates wasn’t financially feasible for them, so they opted for what college couples often do: spending time at cafeteria meals and during club events.
Mr. Tuchler and Ms. Zhang, both 26, said the early experience of a relationship not defined by money helped them deal with the challenges of talking and spending money. The couple split their finances, but when it comes to dating, they alternate who pays.
Mr. Tuchler said he enjoyed it as an act of service — even going the extra step to tell the waiter what to have. Ms Zhang said she appreciated the gesture and enjoyed returning the favor.
