My mother is hypercritical of my brother’s wife, to the point where she blames my sister-in-law for my brother’s “failures” (not getting a better job, not taking better care of his health, etc.). It has gotten worse now that there are grandchildren. My mother constantly criticizes how my sister-in-law is raising the children, who are wonderful and adore their grandparents.
Although my mother occasionally criticizes my sister-in-law and brother, I am mostly her audience.
I have a great relationship with my sister-in-law and when my mother gets into a fight with one of her rants, I stand up for her. I tell my mother how lucky she is to have such wonderful grandchildren and point out that my brother is an adult who makes his own decisions. This just leads to an argument between my mother and me.
When I finally told my mother how much it hurt me to hear her say these things about my sister-in-law, she said she needed to vent her frustrations to someone. I want to be there for my mother, but I don’t like being put in that position. How do I navigate to it?
From the therapist: The short answer to your question is that you can navigate this by no longer participating in these conversations. But I guess you already know that. What you may be less aware of is that you are not being “put in that position” of supportive daughter, protective sister-in-law, and reluctant confidante. You’ve chosen it, and it’s worth considering why you signed up for a job you don’t want — and what makes it difficult to quit.
Usually, when we repeatedly find ourselves engaging in uncomfortable family patterns, it’s because they echo familiar roles from our childhood. It sounds like you struggle with entanglement, a relationship pattern in which boundaries between family members become blurred or non-existent.
Think of entanglement as two trees that have grown so close together that their branches are entangled. While this may look like closeness, it actually prevents each tree from growing in a healthy way. In your case, your mother’s feelings and complaints have become so entangled with your own emotional life that it’s hard to tell where her feelings end and yours begin.
You mention that you want him to “be there” for your mom, even though those conversations hurt you. Many adult children who have difficulty saying no to their parents grew up acting as their parents’ emotional support system or absorbing their parents’ feelings, even at the expense of their own. When you told your mother how much her lashing out hurt you, she responded not by acknowledging your feelings, but by affirming her need to “vent her frustrations.” Her response reveals something important: She sees you as a vessel for her emotional overflow rather than someone with valid feelings. And yet, despite your hurt, you’re still more concerned about her feelings than your own.
You ask how to navigate this situation, but I think the deeper question is: How can you begin to appreciate your own emotional needs?
You can start by redefining what it means to make a reasonable request, which is essentially boundary setting. The limit is not to turn someone away. Instead, it’s about bidding on a connection. It says: “I want to feel good around you, but when you do X, it makes me want to avoid you. Help me get closer.”
Setting a limit consists of three steps:
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State the issue and the desire to get closer (what will make this possible): “Mom, I love you and want to support you, but this talk about my sister-in-law puts me in an impossible position and makes me want to avoid you to talk to you, which I know is not what any of us want. I’m happy to talk about other things together, but to keep our relationship strong, I need this to be off limits.”
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Set the boundary (what you will do): “If you are struggling with their choices, I am happy to support you in finding a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. But if you bring up those frustrations with me, I’ll end the conversation and we can talk another time about other things.”
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Hold the boundary (do what you say): The boundary is not about what the other person will or won’t do. A boundary is a contract with yourself. If you say you’ll end the conversation when your mom raises your sister-in-law, you need to hold that line every time. If you only end the conversation 90 percent of the time, then why would the other person honor your request when 10 percent of the time you can’t honor it yourself? Accomplishing your request might sound like this: “Mom, I’m going to end the conversation now because I don’t feel comfortable talking about my sister-in-law. I love you and I’ll see you later.”
If you start to feel guilty, remember that just because someone sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept the surrender. Remind yourself that when you become your mother’s outlet for criticism of your sister-in-law, you are participating in a cycle that strains loyalty and causes you personal distress. And keep in mind that being a good daughter means setting boundaries that encourage our parents to grow, rather than allowing patterns that damage our family relationships.
Want to ask the therapist? If you have a question, please email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a question, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
